Monday, July 25, 2011

friendship pt 3

This is my last whiny post.  I promise.

Despite my belief that I have made a good decision for myself, it still hurts.  The kind of hurts that makes you cry when you're running, and you try to pretend it's sweat you're wiping off of your face, 'cause you're running through town, in your neighbourhood and everyone can see you.  The kind of hurt that gives you a stitch in your side, or at least that's what you tell yourself when you're running, wiping the *sweat* off of your face.  Maybe it's actually pain in the vicinity of your heart.

Now I'm not real big into emotional pain.  I don't like it one bit.  But I am trying to meet it head on, look it in the eye and conquer it.  I'd like to take a big stick and conk it over the head.  You see, I inherited my family's way of dealing with hurt.  Get really angry at it, and everything around you.  Anger hurts less than emotional pain.

I've been torturing myself, wondering what it is about me that makes me vulnerable to these kinds of friendships.  The ones that leave me behind, and can't understand what the big deal is.  Why do people think it's ok to treat me like that?  Why is it there's lots of time for other friendships, but not ours?  I don't get it.  I don't know that I ever will.  But I can tell you hearing about the great times with those other friends really hurts.

So I'm still working on letting it go.  And I thank the people who have been supportive of me in this journey.  I don't know that others will understand this, but I can't control what others think or do.  I can only control my actions and reactions.  

I'm not foolish enough to seriously believe that the people who I'd like to see this will read it, or understand it.  Maybe I'm not actually foolish at all?!  Maybe I just am.  Me.

Take me as I am.  Or don't take me at all. 

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