Friday, September 16, 2011

All out of sorts

I don't know if it's the changing seasons, the moon phases, middle age, or just the beginning of school.  I feel all out of sorts, and not comfortable in my skin these days.  I feel like I'm pretending, going through the motions.  Earlier this week I even questioned if I'm in the right profession--something that never occurs to me, I've always felt called to do what I'm doing.

Discontent.  Yuck.  I'm not enjoying it, although I recognize that's it's a sign of growth and change.  I find myself questioning my role as a mother, wife, teacher, friend.  I'm pretty sure it's not the people around me, it's inside me.  I kind of feel at a spiritual crossroads of sorts.  I'm trying to make my way in a fashion that feels right, and something's just a little off these days.

But it's been coming for a few months, these feelings.  The "good girl" trap, consumed by guilt and that my choices are somehow not moral enough.  Feeling like breaking free in some ways, leaving behind patterns that don't work anymore.  But held back by fear of causing hurt to others, fear of the unknown, and fear of ultimately ending up alone.

It will sort itself out, it always does.  I worry a little when running and yoga don't fix these feelings though. Prayer hasn't been working either, I'm distracted while I'm praying.  I'm distracted when I'm running.  Yoga the other night was great, but hasn't been since then (when I've mustered the energy to practice).

Maybe it stems from putting so much pressure on myself to be perfect. I don't know, I do know that I hope this too passes--and quickly.  I'm not at my best, and I'm not performing well in any of the areas of my life.

Wishing peace for others during this time of change in our hemisphere.

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