Saturday, January 28, 2012

My name is Nicole and I'm an addict

I have been trying to eliminate wheat from my diet.  In addition to the other things I have already eliminated.  I feel fantastic when there's no wheat or other "nasty for me" things in what I eat.  I included "nasty for me", because really, not everyone will have problems with wheat, dairy, sugar.  We are all different.

Anyway....I am truly an addict.  When things are going well in life, I'm fine.  Able to leave it alone, no problem.  When the inevitable bumps in the road occur--major bender.  It is very much like alcoholism or drug addiction.  I crave it.  I sneak it when I think no one is looking.  I hide treats so Rick and the kids don't know I'm eating the very things that make me ill.  I go into places like Starbucks and gaze longingly at the display of baked goods, thinking I can handle it.  Then I think to myself, just one won't hurt.  I can have just one.  And of course I can't, and end up binging and feeling like absolute shite because of it.  Both physically and psychologically.  It makes me feel guilt and sadness, and the way I did when my children were young and I was very heavy.

What saddens me most?  I have passed this addiction on to my children.  I see them struggle with addictions to foods and unfortunately other things as well.  They deal with anxiety exactly the way that I do.  And it makes me want to cry.  What a legacy to pass on to children.  And what do I do when I'm upset by the choices my kids make?  Eat wheat and dairy and sugar.  Perpetuating the vicious cycle. 

I think we are all very affected by the lack of sunshine and warmth in our lives, this gloomy part of the year.  Even though we spent some time enjoying it over the Christmas holidays, its positive effects weren't longlasting enough.  Of course since we returned to the great white north, it has been nothing but a whirl of report card writing, exams, work and lots of gloomy, gloomy rainy, foggy and overcast days.  Enough to undo any amount of good Florida and the Bahamas did for us.

On the positive side!  Yoga with Sarah every Friday evening is fantastic.  I dragged myself there last night, feeling like shite, wanting very badly to crawl into bed instead.  And left feeling great.  1 & 1/2 hours of vinyasa practice was exactly what I needed.  All of the twists we did last night are working their magic and I can feel the toxins draining out of my organs (that might be a slight exaggeration, but you know what I mean!).  My outlook is sunnier, and I slept very well.  I feel well rested this morning, something that has been elusive over the past week.

My ilopsoas is feeling MUCH better.  I've been babying it, not pushing anything too hard and it's paying off.  I've started running again, and although I'm not nearly where I was, I will be again soon in a few weeks of healthy, injury-free runs.  SWEET!  I've started looking at races for the spring and summer, and deciding what ones I can do.  I'm looking at a 10k in May.  It's a bit ambitious, but doable.  It's not about my speed, it's about finishing the race.  Rick is going to begin training for a 1/2 marathon, he wants to do one in the spring and again in August or September.  The late summer one is sponsored by Honda, where he works.  I might *gulp* enter that one.  I don't know if I can run the whole thing, but I can at least run 10 and 1 intervals and walk the rest if I can't run anymore.  That is between you and me (lol).  I don't want to get too excited by it, just in case.

Even though it's been a tough week on the parenting front, I do have so much for which to be grateful.  A loyal dog who knows just when I need a cuddle and a hand lick.  A kitty that doesn't want to cuddle, but sleeps all night on my feet.  Another kitty that graces me with her beautiful presence just when I need it.  A fruitful career, that is exhausting and frustrating and wonderful all at the same time.  Friends who accept me for who I am, craziness and all.  A loving husband.  A wonderful sister who is always ready to lend a shoulder to cry on and a voice of reason.  Children who try my patience and cause me endless worry, but whom also make my life.  A beautiful house (it's a messy disaster, but underneath the mess it's pretty darned nice).  And so, so, so much more. 

So even though I'm an addict, I have it pretty darned good.  Now I've used darned twice (three times!) in a blog post.  It's time to quit while I'm ahead.

Have a wonderful day, even if it is a gloomy, January day. 

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