Looking back and looking forward

2015 was quite a roller coaster of a year.  Loss, new additions, more loss, grief, healing, sorrow and joy.  Years like 2015 separate the strong from the weak and teach us more than we ever hoped to learn.  I was lucky enough to get to spend the tail end of the year on a wonderful family vacation filled with love and healing.  

One of the biggest lessons of 2015?  Life is short and needs to be lived in the present.  Mindfully and with intention. Find joy.  Seek it out.  The negative hard stuff finds us all too easily, but everyone single one of us needs to look for the joy.  It's there, peeking from behind the tough stuff and it will definitely take work to get to it, but it's so worth it.  Joy sustains us and gets us through the bad times.  Without joy, what do we have?

Looking forward to 2016 is exciting.  I will continue my yoga journey, hope to travel and blend work and personal interests in meaningful ways.  My feet are itchy and want to move.  A million ideas are twirling around in my head and just need to get out.  I hope to write more, which means more blog posts as I work things out.  

Big Magic and Rising Strong were two important reads of 2015, and I'm working toward putting all those brilliant thoughts into practice.  My friends will know that my mind never stops and "out of the box" is a fairly accurate descriptor.  My plan is to spend as much time outside of the box as possible in 2016.

Perhaps most importantly, I've dismissed the idea of balance as my intention for the year.  I have never achieved it, and you know what?  I'm fine with that.  I can dream about being balanced, but it's not natural for me. I'm all or nothing and in trueness to myself I'm embracing that.  My intention in a word? Joy.  That's it.  Seeking joy, giving joy, all things joyful.  Maybe another pipe dream. But won't it be fun along the way?

I'm seeing lots of bright reds, oranges and pinks in my life in the upcoming year.  Can you imagine anything more joyful than those colours?  

I hope this meandering peek into my mind serve every single person who reads this, in some way, no matter how minor.  That would bring me joy.

On to the joy of baking butter tarts while listening to the Strumbellas.  Can't think of a better way to end 2015.  Listening to a Canadian band that brings me joy and baking my family's most requested treats of the holiday season.

Much love and New Year's wishes.  xxoo

Pink washing fatigue

I have to say, the month of October has brought up some difficult feelings.  While I acknowledge the importance of breast cancer awareness, the amount of pink washing makes me feel slightly ill.  I think we've lost some perspective.  Buying pink anything does not necessarily mean that there will be any money given to support breast cancer research.  Or any kind of cancer research.

And I think we've lost the perspective that there are many more kinds of cancers that impact women's health and indeed kill them.  We all need to have an increased awareness of the symptoms of all kinds of cancer.  Early detection of ANY cancer is key to treatment and survival.  In the sea of pink washing, I think we've lost sight of that.

So I'll be over here wearing a burgundy ribbon for multiple myeloma awareness, along with a black one for melanoma awareness.  Or maybe yellow for all cancer awareness.

Don't fall into the trap of forgetting about the other cancers.  They could take your life, just as breast cancer could.

For the haters out there who will disagree with my opinion--I have done my part and raised thousands of dollars for breast cancer research.  I just think it's time to broaden our horizons.

#missmymom #cancersucks

yoga (r)evolution

You may have noticed I have changed the name of the blog again.  As time moves on, we all evolve and my previous blog name didn't really fit anymore.

I have started Yoga Teacher Training, as a therapeutic and necessary next step in the (r)evolution of my life.  It's about so much more that the asana, or physical aspect of yoga.  So, of course it makes sense to have a yoga (r)evolution!

Exhaustion, resiliency and keeping the faith

I've pondered the issue of resiliency before, and I still wonder how some folks remain resilient even after a seemingly endless run of crises and trauma in their lives.  Case in point; a very stressful job, a year long terminal illness of a parent, nearly losing the other parent in health crises twice within 8 months, all while nurturing a grieving family and showing up to previously mentioned stressful job with a smile pasted on and ready to solve every problem that crops up.  And yet I keep plugging away, one foot in front of the other.  There are lots of days that don't feel good, that tears are close to the surface, but I keep going.  How is it that I am able to keep being resilient?

I don't think of myself as particularly special, my whole family is dealing with the loss of our mom, and nearly losing our dad (AGAIN).  But I wonder, what sets us apart from others who throw in the towel at the slightest provocation?  The past week has been brutal, I'm exhausted (as are my siblings), and yet we brush away tears and keep going.

I wish I could attribute it to faith, but frankly, my faith has been shaken.  There is a belief amongst many of my faithful friends that God only gives you what you can handle.  I don't buy it.  I topped out on that in February, and yet it just keeps coming.  My heart has been wrenched into two several times over my life, and I'm done.  It's not a lack of knowing the Bible (when I was 4 I memorized more Bible verses than any other kid, even those twice my age in my Sunday school--my parents first clue that I might be a little "different" than the other 4 year olds), I know it.  I understand the teachings within, to the extent any regular person does.  I'm happy it works for others, but the tests that I've been given are making me question the veracity of the core beliefs with which I was raised.

So I question-what does faith have to do with resiliency?  Anything?  I don't know.  I'm inclined to believe that gratitude has a great deal to do with resiliency, as well as some pretty good brain chemicals and positive self-esteem.

I am incredibly grateful that my dad is still with us, despite the very scary crisis a week ago.  I can't even imagine losing him while the grief of losing my mom is so fresh and painful.  The thought is quite frankly, paralyzing.  Pretty dramatic I know.

And I question, what makes it possible to keep going to work, dealing with the stuff of everyday life and managing some grace while doing so?

I am sure that I can't possibly endure anything else for a while, that I need a break.  

In the meantime, I make plans for a return to regular exercise, a diet that will preserve my health and with any luck at all will prevent the diseases that have afflicted my parents, and to look for ways to turn off my brain.  I suspect if I master the last, the others will fall into place.

Or maybe I'll just move to a shack on the beach, and spend my days watching the water and sleeping.  That sounds like the best plan of all.

If you can't say something nice.....

My blog has remained silent for 3/4 of a year.  Mostly because I didn't know what to write.  At the end of February 2014, my mom was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a cancer of the bone marrow.  Mom fought and beat cancer 5 years before that, so a new cancer diagnosis was like a kick in the stomach.  Some things are too painful to write about, some things too private.  And as I alluded to i previous posts, some things are better left unsaid because although misery loves company, it's kinder to keep negative things to yourself.

Sadly, in early February of this year, my mom lost her hard fought battle.  It's hard and it causes anger and feelings that are just too difficult to express.  Cancer is horrific, and watching someone you love slowly lose the battle that she is fighting because she doesn't want to leave her family--not for herself, but for her family--is painful and not something to write about.

Soooo....it's been a long, painful, shitty year.  And because of all the stress, I've added adrenal fatigue to my cocktail of health misadventures.  I'm working on it, and will continue to work on it, but it's a long road.  There is no easy, quick fix.  The first thing is to get healthy.  Lots of rest, healthy foods, stress reduction and yoga.  Time being grateful for my family, and the year that we got with mom.  I want to wave a magic wand and be magically the picture of health, but that's not how it works.  First you put in the work, then you get the results.  Healing and dealing grief is the absolute first step, and nothing will change until that has been done.  Easy to say, hard to do.  But I'm working on it.

I am thrilled though that I had my annual melanoma check up and am healthy!  For that I am incredibly grateful.

The one thing I've been reminded of this year is that there is so much for which to be grateful.  Life is precious and short (and long), and difficult and wonderful all at the same time.

As I. Heal and have nice things to say, I will blog.  If I don't, I will maintain the golden rule--if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

summer reading and a big dose of introspection

As usual for summer, I have been doing a lot of reading.  Some fiction, lots of non-fiction--both for personal interest and personal development (as a part of my professional development).  Personal development is an area of interest, but is crucial as a part of my professional leadership development (I know, right?!  Makes you want to live my life...).  One of the quirky side effects of that much personal development reading (and watching TEDtalks) is an incredible amount of introspection.  Which has the potential to be a little..."crazy making".  I put that in quotation marks because I'm fairly certain that's not the clinical term :)

The introspection has led me to be currently rereading "Eat Pray Love".  And although I love it, I do think maybe Elizabeth Gilbert is a little nuts.  Or was.  And I totally mean that in a good way.  Next up on the list is to reread "The Happiness Project".  Gretchen Rubin is another woman who I think is slightly nuts.  In a totally good way.  Both books seem very much like very driven women have succumbed to their woo-woo side and embark on a journey to fix what's missing from their lives.  Or not missing.  Whatever.  Either way, both books are a personal journey of looking to improve their lives.  Or social-emotional state.  

Because I also love the work of Glennon Doyle Melton, which you can find at www.momastery.com and because she says she has been so influenced by Dr Brene´ Brown, I watched her TEDtalks this morning (give me a break, I'm kicking coffee and am too tender from my chiro appt yesterday to do any exercise, I needed to take my mind off of it).  You can find them here:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

All I can say is wow.  Shame and vulnerability are really at the root of all of the stuff.  You know, the stuff that gets in the way.  Of everything.  Shame prohibits vulnerability.  Without vulnerability there is no compassion, empathy or joy.  Doesn't that really just sum it all up?  Without joy, how do you find happiness, or what I think people (women?!) are really searching for--contentment?  

But, how do you really let go of shame?  And I'm not talking about shame that you did something horrible and should be punished or anything, I'm talking about the shame that so many of us feel.  Which is maybe more aptly described as "should".  You know what I mean--I should exercise more, I should work longer hours, I should spend more time with my children, I should bake cookies and make jam, and grow my own organic veggies and have hens to lay eggs and volunteer and cook everyday and not watch tv and do yoga and not drink so much wine.  The shoulds.  The ones that I think in some part of her soul, every human with 2 X chromosomes feels every single fricking day of life on earth.  It occurs to me that those with XY chromosomes might too, but that's a little outside my area of expertise.

Glennon talks about the capes she would wear--addiction, bulimia, drug use.  BB (because we're so tight I have nicknamed her BB) talks about other "capes" (cloaks?  whatever) of perfectionism, judgement, overeating--whatever it is that you use to prevent you from being vulnerable, because of shame. Any of this sounding familiar to anyone?  It all hits a little too close to home for comfort.  

The unease, the discomfort.  The discontent.  It's all there.  The cloak of keeping the game face on so that it looks like I have my s*** together.  

It's raw, and it's uncomfortable.  But there it is.

And in that vein, I have added the words evolution and perspective to the name of my blog.  Because that's really what it is.  And it's really not about fitness or lack thereof anymore.  Because I'm not so sure that anyone really gives a rat's a** about whether I'm running or kickboxing or doing yoga.  But when I write about other stuff, people comment.  Which is really good for my dopamine and seratonin levels :)  More about that in Simon Sinek's book, "Start With Why".  There's a TEDtalk for that too.

And to link all of this back to professional development?!  Start with why (that's easy, the kids), think about what their biology dictates for success, help them move past the shame (yeah, we do it to them--report cards?!) and move into vulnerability so that they can learn.  I truly believe that without acceptance and an absence of shame, they won't learn.  Same with teachers (and admin!).  

And there you have it.  Full circle.  What BB calls a "spiritual awakening".  I'm not sure about that, but it's certainly fodder to ruminate upon.

Summer

Ahhhhh, summer!  The long awaited, much needed break.  Week one as always catching up on a multitude of appointments.  Week two some more appointments and really trying to unwind.  The downside of having time to think, is that all the detritus of the mind that normally is shoved aside comes bubbling to the surface and insists on being tended to.....summer is a process :)

A colleague/friend invited me to do a gratitude challenge on Facebook.  3 things, 3 days, nominate 3 people everyday of the challenge.  It's inspiring to think of all the things for which I am grateful. Some are Facebook worthy, and some are better tucked away for personal contemplation only.  Not everyone needs to have the full experience of the recesses of my mind.  In that vein, the challenge has inspired me to actually write down 3 things a day for which I am grateful.  And since it's for my own benefit only, I won't need to hide the crazy!

Operation kick coffee is progressing.  Not always well, but it's progressing.  I'm almost ready for the next step--one cup in the morning.  *gulp*. It doesn't sound like much, but I am a coffee lover.  Through and through.  I'm working on convincing myself that I am actually a green tea lover.  As long as I can kick the habit before the return to school, I will be happy.  Baby steps.

Today is another rainy day, with some intermittent sunshine day.  Which is having a negative impact on my walking everyday with or without the dog.  I don't mind walking in a light rain (not so the dog), but the downpour we got caught in yesterday doesn't do much for me.  We sought refuge under a big leafy tree and waited for the rain to ease so we could return home.  But as we were standing under the tree, it occurred to me that if there was thunder, lightning follows.  And standing under a tree is something akin to standing on top of a hill with a metal rod extended above your head.  Maybe we'll just wait for a nicer day.  Luckily my lightning rod theory wasn't tested.  And my theory that someone would notice it was pouring and would come looking for us to rescue us from the weather was thoroughly disproven.  Honestly, what good is having kids with driver's licenses?!

So, looking for some sunshiny hot weather, so I can enjoy the beach and really get my mind and body in better shape for the upcoming school year.  Rain is good, but I'm ready for some sun.  Fingers crossed for beautiful weather the week we are renting the cottage, and for the rest of our vacation time.

The positive about rainy days, is that there is time for organizing and cleaning the clutter.  Clutter in my space causes anxiety, and I get nothing done.  Except temper tantrums.  Not exactly productive.  It maybe says something about me, the amount of satisfaction gained from organizing?  On today's list? Kid's coat closet.  God help me.

How are you spending your rainy days?