friendship pt 3

This is my last whiny post.  I promise.

Despite my belief that I have made a good decision for myself, it still hurts.  The kind of hurts that makes you cry when you're running, and you try to pretend it's sweat you're wiping off of your face, 'cause you're running through town, in your neighbourhood and everyone can see you.  The kind of hurt that gives you a stitch in your side, or at least that's what you tell yourself when you're running, wiping the *sweat* off of your face.  Maybe it's actually pain in the vicinity of your heart.

Now I'm not real big into emotional pain.  I don't like it one bit.  But I am trying to meet it head on, look it in the eye and conquer it.  I'd like to take a big stick and conk it over the head.  You see, I inherited my family's way of dealing with hurt.  Get really angry at it, and everything around you.  Anger hurts less than emotional pain.

I've been torturing myself, wondering what it is about me that makes me vulnerable to these kinds of friendships.  The ones that leave me behind, and can't understand what the big deal is.  Why do people think it's ok to treat me like that?  Why is it there's lots of time for other friendships, but not ours?  I don't get it.  I don't know that I ever will.  But I can tell you hearing about the great times with those other friends really hurts.

So I'm still working on letting it go.  And I thank the people who have been supportive of me in this journey.  I don't know that others will understand this, but I can't control what others think or do.  I can only control my actions and reactions.  

I'm not foolish enough to seriously believe that the people who I'd like to see this will read it, or understand it.  Maybe I'm not actually foolish at all?!  Maybe I just am.  Me.

Take me as I am.  Or don't take me at all. 

friendship part 2

Apparently my post yesterday hit a few nerves.  I have been accused of using my blog to intentionally hurt others.  While that was not my intention, I do acknowledge that those that saw themselves in the things I wrote may have been hurt.  I apologize if anyone's feelings were hurt.  But I find it interesting that some people were sure it was specifically aimed at them.  Very interesting.

And I it's also interesting to me how my feelings and desire to be treated with the same care and respect as I treat others could cause so much anger and hurt.  They are my feelings.  Written about generically in my blog.  No names were mentioned.  If one has a clear conscience, then what's the big deal?!  By writing about my hurt I made people angry?  Standing up for myself, even if I never do it directly but only write about it, is not wrong.  But the reactions of others do confirm for me that my feelings are not what they are concerned about.  And that's ok.  But it's also ok for me to not want that kind of friendship.  With anyone--no specific people in mind.  I deserve better than second-best.  I deserve better than leftovers.  And I would tell anyone that they too deserve better than that.  That just boils down to respect.  And every single person on this planet deserves to be respected.

So if I have lost friendships over my last post, for that I am saddened.  But chances are, if those friendships are forever lost, then I would have lost them anyway. 

Enough sad stuff.  I am done crying for the day.  Promise!  There have been way too many tears lately, it's time to move on.

Running update--Rick signed us up for a 5k race!  We have entered into the Ferguson Memorial Run, the weekend of the Orangeville Fall Fair (for anyone who knows where Orangeville is!).  It's very exciting.  I'm nervous, but excited.  I don't expect to run it very fast, but I just want to finish the whole thing running.  My knees are good (knock on wood!), none of the usual injuries are rearing their ugly heads.  Thank you yoga!  And of course my trusty New Balance running shoes :)

I'm also considering entering a women's run in October.  I'm trying to work up the courage to enter the 8k.  I still have awhile to enter, so I think I'll see how the 5k race goes first.  There is a 5k option at the women's run too, so I could just do that.  I'm not sure if Jessie knows it yet, but she will be coming home from uni to take pictures of us crossing the finish line.  I want that memorialized!  I will look all red and sweaty, but I still want a permanent record that I ran that race!  And Rick too.

I haven't written about it, but I spent Thursday and Friday at a fabulous workshop about Monarch butterflies.  It was the hands-down best professional development I've been to in a looong time.  So exciting.  I will be looking for Monarch eggs and caterpillars to rear, once we get lacrosse provincials over with.  They are fascinating creatures, and I can't wait to use them for the entire first term at school.  My mind is awhirl with the possibilities!  And as door prize I won a couple plants to get my monarch garden started.  The garden that I have been planning in my mind for the entire time I've lived in this house.  Now I have all of the information I need.  My little naturalist learners are going to love this year with their naturalist teacher.  I'm all for teaching to the multiple intelligences--and this year the naturalists are going to love it!

Wishing everyone love and gratitude.  Gratitude is sent to all of my friends.

Namaste.

 

friendship

I think I'm a good friend.  I'm the kind of true blue, always got your back, good listener friend that most people like to have in their life.  Unfortunately for me, I'm also the kind of friend who gets bailed on, quietly takes slights (intended or unintended) to heart, and cries tears of hurt and frustration in the privacy of my own home...or car...or shower.  Wherever, you get the picture.  I know in my heart that I deserve better than this, that I too deserve true blue friends that have time for me in their lives.  And who want to actually spend some time together in person.

I don't think I'm generally a jealous person, but I don't much care for hearing or reading about the great times they have with their other friends, when I don't even rate an HOUR for coffee over the course of a few months.  I wouldn't want anyone to give up their time with other friends, but if they are my friend I should rate at least a smidgen of their time.  And expecting me to still be their true blue friend is unfair, and unrealistic.  In that vein, I am no longer willing to take the leftovers.  I deserve better than that.

As a part of my personal happiness project I blogged about before, I am not willing to "make do" and be there always.  I need to have friendships in which I feel equally as valued as I value the other person.  I don't feel valued when I never get to see them.  I don't feel very good about this decision, it goes against my entire way of being.  But I deserve friendships that are nurtured and in which I am cherished, not just a convenient listener when things aren't going well.  Try your good time friends.  I'm guessing that you'll find they are not the true blue friend that I am.  I'm thinking that perhaps you will wish you had nurtured our friendship and wanted to spend time with me.  If not, whatever.  At this point I'm not really caring.

So there!  I am going to focus on nurturing and cherishing friendships and taking them to a deeper level.  I deserve to have those kind of friendships.  Period.

I wish everyone the deep, nurturing friendships that they deserve.  You deserve it as much as I do.

Namaste.