Too much perfectionism?

I have always known that I suffer from perfectionism.  In a very big way.  And yes, sometimes it makes me crazy.  But I've always been fine with what others do, just hold myself to ridiculously high standards (recognizing it and being to control it are clearly 2 very different things).  I have just been smacked right in the face with the realization that perhaps my expectations of others are too high as well.  I console myself with the knowledge that I would never ask someone (anyone!) to do something I wouldn't do myself.

However....is that fair and realistic?  If I'm willing to be a workaholic, does that mean I expecting others to be as well?  I don't think so, but maybe that's not the impression others are getting.  I think I may be making others feel badly about their abilities.  Not at all what I would ever intend.  I have a freakish ability to memorize policy & procedure (never argue with me about the rules of a game....I have memorized the rules...it's in there, honest), and an internal disposition to follow them to a "t".  i's dotted and t's crossed.  A nearly encyclopedic knowledge of grammar rules.  I can't help it.  And it's not personal when I disagree with someone.  It's just the way it is.  Years of language study and grammar courses at the university level will do that to a person.  I know what a subordinate clause looks like, and I know how to use it successfully in a sentence.

My children accuse me regularly of having high standards.  Too high in their opinion.  So sue me.  Or do your own thing anyway (which is clearly the road they sometimes take....but that is another story).  I think there's a direct correlation between my standards for myself and my professional success.  That makes me happy.

If it makes it any better, my perfectionism can be crippling and make it nearly impossible to meet my own goals.  Health and fitness being the prime examples.

We can't all be perfect all of the time.  Even though I like to try.  I don't think it's killed my dreams, but maybe it has.  I just don't want my perfectionism to be responsible for killing the dreams (or self-esteem) of others.

What couple of weeks!

It's been a while, holy moly, what a couple of weeks!  Hanging on by a thread would pretty much describe it.   Not enough exercise, too much work, and too much stress.  Taking a demanding course and writing progress reports for school, coupled with getting boys to sports makes me a bit of a crazy woman!  Complete with crying when my hubs didn't make family breakfast last weekend.  Crying.  Yup, it wasn't a good day.  Not a good week.  Fighting tears at school, over the silliest little things.  But my final assignments for this module of the course are done, progress reports are done, except for some editing and revising.  I did take a day off work to get it all done and regain some sense of sanity and grip on reality.  The good news is that I feel much more like myself.  And I'm sure everyone around me is glad.

Which brings me to question how perfectionism affects lives.  My biggest stressor is--me!  The amount of pressure I put on myself to be perfect is ridiculous.  No one is harder on me than me.  It's unhealthy.  I'm not eating well, I'm no doubt taking years off of my life with worry and anxiety and I'm just not nice to be around.  I see it in my children, and I see it in my friends.  I can help to put things in perspective for others, why not myself?  Yes, perfectionism gets me ahead in my career.  But at what cost?

So my conclusion is that the cost of perfectionism can be huge.  Perfectionism is not actually something to strive for--it's something to try to avoid.  No one can be perfect at everything.  That is not how humans are designed. 

I frequently lament my slowness when running.  My stalled progress in my yoga practice (or intermittent practice!).  My frailities of spirit.  My inability to be everything to everyone.  But I'm reminding myself today that all of those are okay.  There is time, and I need to enjoy the journey.  I may never be perfect--in fact I'm sure of it.  There has only ever been one perfect human being.  And I'm definitely not in His league!

My friends, my message today is simple.  Don't try to be perfect.  Let it go.  Just be.  Take time to enjoy the small things.  Today I will run, I'm aiming for 8 & 1/2 to 9km.  It will be painful at times, but it's a beautiful sunny day and I am going to concentrate on enjoying the day for what it is.

I'm dedicating my thoughts and prayers to my friend Julie today.  I love you Julie!  I know that you will read this blog post, because you always do.  Know that I`m thinking of you today and always.