random thoughts

I just finished reading a post on http://www.suburbanyogini.com/ about touch/massage.  It was interesting, about how humans crave touch.  I often shrink away from being touched, and I remember as the parent of young children feeling completely overwhelmed by the constant physical contact with another.  I once had a student with sensory issues, and that student was tactile defensive.  When I did a little research so I could better meet the student's needs, it was like reading about myself.  And I find it interesting that while I often prefer to not be touched, I do go for regular massage, and I find petting my critters very soothing.  When I'm stressed, I can almost feel my blood pressure decreasing when I pet either the cats or the wonderdog.  And massage instantly reduces stress.  So I guess what I'm coming to is that touch is important, but the kind of touch is also important.  Effleurage type of touch makes me want to punch the toucher.  That is not exactly the point!

I'm feeling a little scattered this morning.  So forgive me as I jump to the next randon thought occupying my brain :)

I went to the ND the other day.  And through discussion, we decided together that I need to eliminate carbs from my diet.  Excepting vegetables, fruit, and legumes.  I can indulge in quinoa or brown rice from time to time.  But nothing milled or processed.  The wrong carbs are creating all kinds of unsavory responses in my body.  They just don`t really work for my body chemistry.  All of the yoga, running, supplements, etc in the world aren`t going to change that.  And even though in my allergy tests, glutinous grains weren`t highly reactive, they are likely the culprit for some of the things I find to be going on.  I did have a minor reaction to them, but compared to the others they were minute.  However, since I really don`t like some of the effects, I am going to give this new elimination a go.  I can`t say I`m thrilled, but I will hopefully be thrilled with the results.  *sigh*  She also prescribed chromium to me to help with the sugar cravings that my stressful life are causing.  And through a little of my own research, I realize that coffee likely has to go too.  Now that almost makes me cry!  I LOVE coffee.  I guess like a heroin addict loves heroin.  I know I`ve been drinking way too much over the summer (the darned coffee pot is right there!).  I`m supposed to be drinking green tea, at least 4 cups a day, so maybe that will be a nice substitute?  I highly freakin' doubt it, but I guess it's worth a try.  Getting and staying healthy is a full-time job!  So those who read this blog that live in the same house, and those who work with me--beware.  I will be a grumpy, headachy, gassy mess for a while.  At least until my body detoxes from the caffeine, and gets used to eating a whole lot of legumes.  I bet you are all really looking forward to that!

And on to the next topic...

My oldest chicky is getting ready to go to university.  And the stress level is rising.  Her body is out of whack from working midnights for a huge chunk of the summer, and with the stress the poor child is sleeping alot.  She's not enjoying her last week at home.  She finished at her job, and was hoping to have some fun this week.  The b****h of it all is that there's nothing I can do to lessen the anxiety.  I am encouraging B vitamins, GABA and Rescue Remedy, and being positive about how wonderful it will be, but that's really all I can do.  It doesn't help that this is a jam-packed week and I'm running around like a madwoman.  It's kind of difficult for anyone to relax in the circumstances.  Her aunt and grandma have showered her with some lovely gifts to make her room homey at school, and her uncle has asked if she's ok.  She's a lucky girl to have so many people who care so deeply about her.  And those are just representative of the whole family, because I know her grandpa and other aunt and other uncle care just as much.  We are all lucky to have a close family.  The collective children (all of the cousins) in this family are blessed, they have a caring, loving extended family that dotes on them all.

And that brings me to my littlest nephew.  It is his birthday today.  He is a whole year old!  Already!  Happy birthday River, we all love you to pieces!  I saw him yesterday, what a ham.  He's absolutely adorable, just like his boy cousins and brother and his only girl cousin.  We are a lucky bunch!

And that my friends is the end of today's ramble and glimpse into the randomness of my brain.  I could go on, but this is plenty for one day.  Oh, yeah, one more thing.  I still haven't heard from Sarah about yoga, so I've signed on for Tuesday evening yoga in Flesherton with a different teacher.  And I might still hit yoga in the barn on Thursdays.  I'm thinking of a project that would see me practicing for a small time everyday in between.  More on that later.

Namaste friends.

back to school musings--again

I've been indulging in reading blogs this morning, since I've been up since an ungodly hour.  Soon I won't have time for blogging much.  I've been reading the blogs of mamas who are either celebrating or lamenting the beginning of the school year.  It's an interesting exercise, reading both sides of the equation.

Many mamas are struggling with sending their kids off to school, and there are many comments about desiring to homeschool.  These moms are heartsick about being away from their little one for the whole day, and often it's everyday.  I'm a teacher, but I understand that sentiment.  When you have spent day in and day out with this little person, and you treasure your discoveries and learning together, sheltered from the world, the thought of sending them out into that world is daunting.  And rightfully so.  The truth is that they are going to learn lessons from others (adult and child) that are undesirable to you.  But it does provide opportunities for discussion and learning.  Eventually we all have to go out into the world, and cope.  Having had the opportunity to teach your values and strategies for dealing with the world is priceless.

On the other hand are the mamas who are doing cartwheels and singing, "it's the most wonderful time of the world".  If you are not used to so much time with your kiddos, and it's been a long summer of "I'm bored."  and listening to sibling battles, then I guess you are ready for them to go back to school.  And I'm looking forward to spending my days with the ones that I'm lucky enough to have in my class.  I am concerned though, that children are getting the message that their parents don't want to be with them.  I do not judge, but caution that you let them know that yes, you are ready for them to go back because it's healthy for them, but also that you love them and will miss them.  I'm ready for my big kids to go back too, but I don't want them to think I want to get rid of them.  I think we adults forget how fragile kids can be, and I know I don't want hurt feelings about school to be a defining moment or memory for them.

And I'll admit I've been kind of whining about not wanting to go back to school yet (maybe really whining?).  It's not the kids I'm not looking forward to, it's the busy-ness of life that I'm not looking forward to, and the constant need to be "on".  It's what kids deserve.  My students deserve the best of me.  It's what I strive to give them every day.  But it takes enormous energy, and my own family sometimes suffers for it.  At the end of the day, I'm depleted.  I still have work to do for school that I take home, but I have my own kids sports, activities and things to get to, as well as helping with homework, signing papers and trying to fit in a little laundry, supper and getting ready for the next day.  I most days, collapse into bed exhausted, and feeling guilty about not having enough patience and energy for my own family.  And then all too soon it's time to do it over again.

I'm not asking for pity, only understanding.  Understand that when I'm doing the very best I can by a child, and the parents come in guns a blazin', or send a snarky note, it is difficult.  It sucks away my energy.  Understand that I too have a family, and I'm trying to give everyone the best of me.  And I love doing it, but I'm not perfect.  I am human and I am fallible.  

I love my job.  I don't have a doubt in the world that this is what was intended for me.  Education is a calling.  And I have been called.  But I still wish summer was just a little longer, that there were more long weekends, and our holidays were more often.  Not because I'm lazy, but because it would give me more time to recharge myself.  And I would be able to be better for everyone.  

I realize that probably those that read my blog are not the audience that needs to hear what I'm about to say next.  I'm not trying to be political.  I'm just putting it out there.  Really I'm writing it for me, because I need to say it somewhere.  So here goes:  Please don't badmouth teachers in front of your kids.  Your kids need to be able to demonstrate respect to the adults at school, and feeling that their parents will back disrespect is only going to make it more difficult for them.  Please don't tell teachers (or anyone else for that matter) that what we do isn't real work.  It is.  Just demonstrating patience all day long is work.  We only have students from about 9-3:30, but I don't know a single teacher who doesn't do hours of work before and after school.  Don't assume because we aren't at school that we aren't doing work.  If we stayed at work until it was all done, we would never see our families, we bring it home with us.  Recognize that our summers are often filled with courses and workshops.  How many other professions spend their holidays taking courses to improve their practice?  For that matter, how many jobs have situations in which you can't use the washroom when you need to?  I can't walk away from a room full of kids just because I have to pee.  No matter how badly.  Please be respectful of our breaks.  We get one "uninterrupted" 40 minute lunch (it's in quotation marks, because invariably it is interrupted several times by students who need us, just like when they need their parents at home).  By the time students are settled, 10 minutes are eaten away.  When we are stopped in the hallway for a "quick question" we often miss our opportunity to eat and use the washroom.  I want to have that conversation, but we need to set up a time.  I appear rude, and you could be offended if I can't talk on the spur of the moment.  I need to eat, I can't be an effective and cheery teacher if my stomach is growling and my blood sugar is bottomed out.  Realize that I want to work with you.  You know your child best, I know educational methods and the curriculum, it is best for your child if we work together.  We won't always agree, but I know you want what you feel is best for your child.  So do I, even if it is totally different from your idea.  If we work together, we will come up with the best plan for your child.

Okay, I'm done.  Thank you for the opportunity to put it out there.  I hope if it didn't interest you that you skipped over it.  That's fine with me.  Now I can face the school community and not say it when it would be better left unsaid.  You know that human fallibility thing??  It could get me into real trouble some day!

Those are my back to school musings for today.  As the day approaches there will be more.  And the few days before my oldest chick goes to university?  Oh my.

It's now light enough to go for my run.  Have a wonderful Tuesday.

Namaste.

resiliency

I have been pondering the differing levels of resiliency in humans over the past couple of days.  What exactly is it that makes some people resilient, taking their problems, issues, traumas into stride, dealing with them and moving on?  What makes some people cast themselves repeatedly in the victim role, wallowing in similar traumas and life events?  Why do some people develop post-traumatic stress syndrome, while others having experienced the same things are able to move on?  Why?  What character traits allow this resiliency?  Some people develop very serious addiction issues when faced with trauma as children, others go on to be fabulously successful, great at everything they do.  This fascinates me.  I have a difficult time with the ones who cast themselves as victims.  I know that's judgemental of me, and I don't mean to offend anyone.  And I realize that probably a result of my upbringing.  I differ from the ideas of the previous generation in that I strongly advocate for getting counselling and dealing with your problems.  I do not advocate the "sweep it under the carpet and don't ever speak of it" school of thought.  Having said that, I must emphasize--counselling from a qualified professional, not yammering the ear off of anyone/everyone that will listen.  That is not the same thing.

And also I question--why are some events that have the potential to be traumatic relatively small to some, and yet monumental to others?  How can we even begin to compare what is truly a tragedy with some things that in perspective, are just minor annoyances?  It would seem to me that  the resilient don't make trivial events huge, but the self-pitying ones make every small thing a mountain.  Again this is merely my own observation, and not intended to insult or to hurt feelings.  I am not directing this post at anyone in particular, just reflecting because of some conversations/events of the past year.  

In my own life, I have been resilient.  I have dealt with a cancer diagnosis while parenting very young children.  I dealt with it and moved on.  I have dealt with infant loss, and moved on.  Both were extremely painful and stressful.  And I still have moments that I feel it was unfair, I didn't ask for it, I didn't deserve to go through those things.  But my guess is that even those that know me personally may not have known that those life-altering events had happened in my life.  I haven't swept them under the rug, but I have dealt with them as best I can, and I don't feel the need to dwell on them or burden others with them.  I only share with those close to me.  (and I guess now it's in the world, open to anyone who cares to read my blog...but sometimes it's easier to tell those you don't know than those who are close...anyway, it's out there now)

At the same time, I have never moved on from other painful events and feelings in my life.  Nothing of that magnitude.  But painful nonetheless.  And because I can't get past them, I do have some problems and if I'm brutally honest, an addiction that I have used to dull the pain.  No, I'm not secretly smoking crystal meth or drinking huge quantities of Jack Daniels behind closed doors.  My addiction is to food, specifically sweet foods.  There is a chemical reason for it--sugar boosts serotonin production in the brain, the feel good hormone.  Knowing that and being able to act on it are 2 very different things.  I know with my head that I should take my own advice and get counselling, but I don't feel ready to bring all of the pain to the surface.  And I'm not brave enough to confront those who have caused me the pain.  

But I do have an appointment with my ND today, and I'm going to talk to her about adding in a supplement that will help to blunt the sugar cravings that my body has, because it needs more serotonin.  And about some other hormone type stuff that isn't quite right.  And on the plus side, I benefit greatly from the endorphins that are released by running, and the other feel good hormones that yoga causes to be created and available to my brain.  Yay, running and yoga!  I actually just read that yoga increases GABA production in the body.  Yep, the same GABA that is an essential amino acid and neurotransmitter that helps to decrease anxiety and helps me to sleep.  The one that I should be getting a commission for recommending to anyone who will listen! 

This is a rather deep post compared to my usual more banal, attempts at humour.  It's not meant to be a complete downer to people reading it, but my working through some stuff in my mind.  As I've said before, inside my mind can be a scary place.

To all those who are dealing with traumas, of either past or present, my thoughts are with you.  I wish everyone the resiliency to deal with what life hands them.

back to school shopping....wish me luck

Since today is a no-work day for Rick, we are taking the dynamic teenage boy duo back to school shopping.  God help us.  As good are my intentions, these days typically end badly.  We spend way more $$ than we should/want on ridiculously priced trendy clothes and shoes, we argue over the practicality of "those" shoes, and overall I am deemed a mean, cheap, old hag.  Doesn't it just sound like soooooo much fun!? 

I am setting my intention for the day--calm.  Nice deep breaths, count to 10 (or 100 if that's what it takes) before speaking, and let them deal with the consequences of their choices.  Breath in, breath out.  Again.

I've taken my handful of supplements.  Including the adrenal support that is recommended for stress.  I have my super strength homeopathic remedy for stress in my purse, as well as my handy-dandy spray bottle of Rescue Remedy.  I had a big breakfast, so blood sugar lows shouldn't be a problem.  More breathing.

Did I mention I'm not getting in enough yoga?  I NEED to get to a regular class, and get in regular home practice.  My class I will have this year enjoyed classroom yoga when they were in grade 2, so we will be doing regular yoga for DPA.  Yoga should help with some of the running stiffness I've been experiencing.  And my still tight shoulder from the unfortunate waterslide incident (never go on a waterslide if you are over 40 and not a fan of rides....not good).  Tight hips from running.  But no IT band trouble, so the stretching/asana I'm doing right after a run is helping.  

I have a feeling that this evening would be a good evening for a long, slow practice.

Namaste. 

late August ponderings

It is getting to be very late in August.  Which leaves me wishing that summer could just go on a little longer.  And on the other hand, knowing that the restless, grumpy, out of sorts feeling that seems to be with me all day, every day will disappear once school starts again.  The anticipation kills me every year.  As I've said before, I love my job, but it means the beginning of the rat race again.  If I can't fit it all in now, how on earth do I when I'm teaching?  But it all works out in the end.

I mentioned in a post last week that I wanted to make a lavender eye pillow to help to deepen savasana.  Lo and behold, my friend and colleague Leone has lavender in her garden, and when I went to school on Monday to set up my room she brought me a lovely bunch.  It's hanging to dry in my classroom, and I have to say it lent a lovely smell to that corner of the room!  Once it's dry I will be making an eye pillow for myself, and of course I will be making one for Leone too.  Thank you Leone for once again sharing the bounty of your garden!  (Leone is my source for delicious rhubarb too!)  I planted 2 rhubarb plants by the fence this year, and I will be planting some lavender too, in the spring.  But in the meantime it's lovely to have a friend that shares.

We have been having quite the monarch adventures chez Bolyea.  Allistair Cookie (the kitty) is finding the caterpillars so intriguing.  And keeps knocking them over.  Over, and over, and over again.  And I keep cleaning up the water, the wilting milkweed and the frass (which is just a cool word for caterpillar poop!)  Believe me, there's an abundance of frass!  Yesterday when I got up one of the caterpillars was hanging in a `J` which is the first indication that it is ready to pupate.  I checked on it repeatedly yesterday, and when I got up this morning it had formed its beautiful chrysalis!  So exciting!  (remember, I am a teacher, and easily amused)  So soon we will have an adult monarch to release for its journey to Mexico.  I decided to hold off on collecting anymore eggs, larvae or anything monarch until just before school begins again, Allistair is just too curious.

On a more serious note, yesterday and into the evening our part of the world was under a tornado watch, which was upgraded to a warning around 7:15.  We kept an eye on the weather and headed to the basement for about 1/2 an hour, dog and cats in tow.  I felt guilty for leaving the caged critters upstairs, but really we could have been blown to Oz by the time we got the whole zoo to the safe basement.  We woke Jess up (she's on midnights) to come down with us.  I have never taken the kids to the basement before.  But the sky was green and the rain was blowing completely sideways.  I really didn't know if we would be safe or not.  The dog was very antsy, and pacing before we headed downstairs, and if you're smart you follow your dog's instincts (including whether or not people can be trusted, but that's another story).  She calmed down once we were all safe downstairs.  Is that not an indication that the basement was the right place to be???  Our neighbourhood didn't sustain any damage, and we didn't even lose hydro.  I don't know about the rest of the area yet, there was a reported touchdown in the neighbouring town.  I pray that there was no loss of life or serious damage.

On a much happier note, I put a deposit on a cruise for our family for Christmas!  I am so excited I'm beside myself!  This is the first trip we've ever taken together.  It's only been 20 years.  We either haven't had the money or the time off together.  I'm trying very hard not to think of the eco impact, and heartened that we will be driving to Baltimore for departure which at least helps a bit (no airplane impact).  Realistically this may be our only family trip ever, my kids are growing up very quickly.  We need to do this now!  And we are.  We will be spending Christmas on the ship.  Merry Christmas to us!  Of course the obsessive worrying about our pets, who will care for them, etc has already started.  But I'm sure it will all work out. 

I have decided that I need to start putting pictures on this blog.  It's very vanilla.  I read all of these other blogs (which I'm sad I won't have time for in another couple of weeks), and the photos that are uploaded really make difference.  Of course that means getting better at taking pictures.  Or getting my kids to take pictures for me.  Hello--Jess?!  So I will work on figuring it out.  In the meantime, I will be maybe add some internet freebie images.





Lavender before







The after (or something that will resemble this!)

(lavender images taken from http://www.everythinglavender.com/)

Have a wonderful late August day everyone :)



IT band woes

Rick has developed some acute IT band troubles.  The IT band is a thick band of fascia that runs along the outside of the thigh, right from the hip to the knee.  And it is often the reason runners have trouble with the hips or the knees.  He is having alot of knee pain.  I feel so bad for him.  He had a great run yesterday, quite a good pace, but has been hobbling ever since.  He even iced his knee in the car on the way to Blue Rodeo yesterday (which by the way was awesome, more later).  There were 2 chiropractors who did a talk after our run clinic yesterday, and they had some injury tips.  But I think the biggest thing is he needs to go for some treatment to help it heal, and so it doesn't really screw up his knee.  He has been pushing through the pain for a couple of weeks, and now he's paying for it.   I have been saying for awhile that he should do some hip opening yoga, and poses/stretches that work the IT band.  I hope he rests it, and works on those stretches.  I also want to call Village Chiro in Orangeville and get them to help him with it.  It's a bummer with only a couple of weeks until the race, but even if he rests if for a couple of weeks, he should still be able to do the race.  I hope.  Fingers crossed.

I had a great run yesterday, a little stiff this morning.  I didn't stretch quite enough, and I ran faster than I've ever done a 5.5k.  Which is still not fast, but I'm getting there.  Norm (run leader) told me I definitely won't finish last  in the race.  And that's all that I care about.  Humiliation can be a powerful motivator!  The race course doesn't have as many hills as we did yesterday, so I should be able to run it faster.  I hope.  But more important to me to finish the race, run well and not injure myself. 

Last night we went to see Blue Rodeo, who are FANTASTIC live!  I so enjoyed it.  I would definitely fork out the bucks to sit closer to the stage next time, even though our seats were ok, I would like to have been closer.  And Rick wants to see them again.  A smaller venue would be great.  The opening band was Steve Earle and the Dukes and Duchesses.  His sound sucked.  I couldn't understand a word he sang or said.  And I was really distracted but the twits walking around, talking, and generally being rude.  But his guitarist Chris Masterson was amazing!  I checked him out with Google and he has an indie album he released a few years ago, I might have to track it down.  He was the best part of the opening act, hands down.  So  Blue Rodeo and Chris Masterson?  Worth the price of admission. 

I was amazed during the concert at the dimwits who got up, walked in front the entire row of people multiple times to go for a smoke, or go get beer.  There were a couple of young guys in front of us who people must have wanted to slap (besides cranky pants me).  I'm not sure why they were there, it wasn't for the band.  And it's a very expensive place to go if you just want to drink beer.  And the lady who kept standing up dancing and blocking everyone's view?  Lady, you are a horrible dancer.  Maybe I'm super conscious of obstructing the view of those behind us.  If us tall drinks of water stand up, no one behind us is going to be able to see.  And they paid just as much as I did to see the show.  Not surprisingly, the lady dancing in front of others?!  Multiple trips to buy beer.  At least security told her to sit her butt down.  And really, if you want to dance, just move over to the aisle where you`re not interfering with the enjoyment of others.  Same to the very young couple slow dancing and making out in the middle of the row.  I did enjoy watching the security lady looking like she'd like to whack them up the side of the head with a big stick.  That was priceless!

I know, I know, I have turned into a middle aged old bag.  But I was pretty much the of the same opinions when I was young too.  Just younger.  Not very yoga of me.  Ahimsa--do no harm.  I didn't actually harm anyone, just thought about slapping them.  Guess it`s kind of the same thing?

Nice quiet, easy day today.  No running, Rick needs to keep his knee up.  I might take Chase the wonderdog for a long walk, maybe look for some more monarch caterpillars.  Of course, protecting them from my cat, Allistair Cookie is a challenge.  Maybe some easy yoga--craving some sun salutations and downward facing dogs.  And of course, in keeping with my pursuit of happiness, some tidying.  This place is a mess!

Happy Sunday my friends.

Namaste 

new yoga class

Last night I went to yoga in the barn.  It was a lovely setting, literally in the barn, with the evening sunlight peeking through the gaps in the boards, the sounds of the birds and critters outside.  Beautiful.  It was a very gentle hatha class, and was very easy.  Which is probably a good thing after not nearly enough practice over the summer.  It was very different, not a downward dog or sun salutation in sight.  We each chose an intention on a slip of paper out of a little bag, mine was "understanding" which was fitting.  It was kind of weird not setting my own intention.  And way weird being treated as an absolute beginner.  Only at first, once we started, and it was apparent I had done this many times before Lucy relaxed a little with me.  And used me as an example of how you should look during hero pose (my least favourite pose!).  I think she was surprised by my automatic ujayi breathing, and flexibility.  Sarah my sweet, you have trained me well :)

While I enjoyed it and will definitely go back, I also need to find a more challenging class too.  I know hatha is likely not as intense as I need after vinyasa.  I thoroughly enjoyed it, it was just not a challenging.  And I'm used to being challenged.  And I need to get myself a lavender eye pillow for savasana.  I loved that, it helped me to deepen my savasana.  I think I can make some, I just need to get some lavendar.  Wouldn't that be a wonderful gift?  Delightful.  But back to needing a challenging.  I am crossing my fingers that Sarah will offer a session again in Shelburne.  Change is good, but I am craving a Sarah class.  Craving.  If she doesn't, I may need to head to Buddha Rider to check that out.  Maybe I'll check out a class on the weekend anyway.

Although it was more relaxed and not as challenging as I'm used to, it has done wonders.  Sore shoulder/collarbone (from the scary waterslide incident, lol) much looser, the nice twists are helping my body eliminate toxins, and I slept like a baby.  Which is lucky for my nightowl children.  Their life was in peril.  I need to pick up some of my supplements that I'm out of, and I'll be like a new woman.

Biggest compliment yesterday?  A girl who used to babysit for me when my kids were small (Seamus was only a toddler), and who told me about this yoga class, said to me that I'm in really great shape.  She was kind enough to leave "for your age" unsaid.  But it did me a world of good to hear that to others, whom I don't see very often, that I am in great shape.  Especially for my age.  As many of us know, it does take more work the older we get.  And although I tell myself it's because I want to be healthy, the reality is that it's about outward appearance too.  I don't want to be an old, saggy, out of shape lady.  And I think anyone who knows me, knows that I want to be thin.  Being fat is not something I want.  It's actually a bit of an obsession (I know, really???  Who would have guessed?!).  And because I`m my own biggest critic, it is nice to hear from young'uns (that don't want something from me) that I'm doing pretty well.  I'm ashamed to be so affected by that, but there it is.  I'm honest.

So looking forward to my massage today, so overdue.  I can't wait!

Namaste friends.